Dwight Schrute Quotes
Jim: Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake.
Dwight: Busy!
Jim: Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Dwight: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.
Jim: You know what? I could use a little help.
Dwight: You know what? I'm a little busy.
Jim: We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?
Dwight: It's not effeminate. It's festive.
Jim: You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!
Stanley: I know, I just read it on the sign.
Kelly: I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!
Jim: Birthday.
Dwight: Frosting.
Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.
Dwight: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law.
Dwight: What did you do?
Kelly: Stop yelling at me!
Dwight: What did you do?
Kelly: I didn't do anything!
Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?
Jim: Hey! What the hell's goin' on?
Dwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
Kelly: I was kickin' it.
Dwight: In juvie.
Jim: What?
Dwight: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight: Hey, HEY.
Dwight: ... there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight: I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating.
Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Screw you.
Dwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.
Dwight: Attention everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim: Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam: I think he meant personal day.
Dwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad.
Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?
Michael: Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [unfolds piece of paper] I state my regret.
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight: I could not because I do not feel it.
Wallace: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
Wallace: We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Okay. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.
