Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game. And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh my God, oh, my God, did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!" Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last.

Ted: Here's the key to Kelso's office.
Dr. Cox: And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.

Turk: Okay, fine, I'll try. One condition: Gimme some!
She "slaps" him just as Dr. Kelso and Ted approach
Ted: Oh my God!
Dr. Kelso: I think it, and she does it!

Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: Big bag of money...
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!

Dr. Kelso: Miss Broderick.
Neena: Bob. Oh, hi Ted, how's your wife doing?... Oh, that's right, I forgot you freeze up around me. Okay. Well, I'll see you in court on the eighteenth.
J.D.'s Narration: Ted's possum-like defense mechanism was actually quite brilliant.
Ted: Hello, Neena. We got divorced, actually. I'll see you in court on the eighteenth!

Dr. Kelso: Shore it up, people. Neena Broderick's in the building.
J.D.'s Narration: As tactless as it was to yell that in a room of very sick people, Ted had a point.

Turk: Carla, we have to talk.
Carla: Is it your blood sugar again? I'll get you something!
She grabs Ted's ice cream sandwich out of his hand.
Turk: Baby, I feel fine. It's just that I kinda been using my diabetes to get you to, you know, hook me up with sandwiches and whatnot.
Carla: I can't believe you!
She grabs the treat away from Turk and hurls it into the trash.
Ted: Oh, man! I brought that from home!

J.D.'s narration: Working at Sacred Heart you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-formation ritual.
Ted: (To himself) People are laughing with you, people are laughing with you... (weakly) people...are laughing with you.

Ted: Look, Mr. Cannon, let's drop the forgetful act. Now, if you don't sign these papers, this hospital will discharge you, and then we'll see what you do and do not remember!
Dr. Kelso: The man has Alzheimer's, bozo.

Dr. Kelso: Ahh!
Ted: Thanks again for inviting me to your house for dinner.
Dr. Kelso: I did?
Ted glances up. The Janitor points at him and mouths "Yes."
Ted: Yes, sir, you did.

Ted: Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.
Dr. Kelso: No one male or female ever cared, Ted.

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, can I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox: Uh, no.
J.D.: Really? Not even just like two seconds to talk to me.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. (his pager beeps) Oh, for God's sake. I'm a little swamped, here. (a nurse hands him a folder) Thank you.
J.D.: You know what sucks? I thought you were actually going to come through for me this time.
Dr. Cox: (to his pager) In a minute! to J.D.) Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
Dr. Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo! (starts applauding) Bravo, ah!
Ted walks up and joins in clapping.
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Cox: His dad just died.