Ed Quotes
Elliot: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Molly: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I-I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?
Ted: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
Flashback: Janitor's Garage
Janitor: Let's call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers - Troy.
End Flashback
Janitor: There were never any squirrels.
Ted:Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. You and sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that comittment ceremony that you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way and believe me there were nights in the service that that didn't sound so farfetched, Ted is hardly my type.
Ted: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.
Dr. Kelso: What?!
Ted: Nothing.
(At Jordan and Perry's "divorce" celebration) And so, by the power vested in me by the American Bar Association, I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife. You may now do whatever the hell you want!
Ted
Molly: Obviously for your ex-wife, just the illusion of hair is important. Excuse me.
Ted: So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence?
J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted: Helps the tears taste less bitter.
J.D.: Cheers.
Ted: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce - she's with my brother now; he's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece - the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!
J.D.'s Narration: I've never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before. It was neat-o!
When you disrespect someone, and they in turn burn your ass, you must RECOGNIZE!
Hey, Mr. Valentine. I re-did your will on a computer. And to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.
Ted
J.D.: Ed! Stop texting.
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, we'll do that more later when we're together.
J.D.: Somebody has some very soft hands.
Ed: I sleep in gloves.
