Edie: (to Susan, about Gabrielle) At least get her a thoughtless crappy gift, like a blender.
Susan: I got you a blender for Christmas.
Edie: And I use it everyday... Gotta go! (Edie leaves)

I just peed on that, for God's sake, put it on a coaster!

(about Gabrielle) Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine, 'cause I invented 'em!

Gabrielle: (about Edie dating Carlos) It's awkward, it's, it's like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party and you showed up wearing it.
Edie: Again, if you gave it away in the first place then what the hell are you bitching about?!

(to Gabrielle) You are as tall as my legs. What are you gonna do?

Susan: Lynette, what are you doing here?
Lynette: Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total whore, but please don't rat me out to Gaby.
Edie: (just as Susan is about to say something) Hi Susan! I have 30 copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.
Lynette: (looks at Susan and smiles) Looks like we're working the same corner.

Carlos: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again.
Carlos: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our..(Realizing what Edie just said) 12?

Russell catches Edie and Carlos in bed together.
Russell: Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else.
Edie: Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive, they're still disinfecting the Jacuzzi.
Russell: Slut!
Edie: Bitch!

Edie: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.
Susan: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.
Edie: I have so missed our friendship.

(to Carlos, undressing) Don't say anything. Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact... let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance.

Heeelloo! I think it's high time to make a toast. Ehm, Tom, where are you? (looks around) You did it. There are a lot of people in this room that didn't think you could pull it off. Okey, well, maybe just me (everybody laughs). Anyway, congratulations. The pizza is excellent, and the service is sublime (Edie nods to Austin). Cheers!

Oh Tom please, you've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) Gabrielle Solis had always been a demanding shopper.
(Gabrielle is looking out the front window, watching a car pull up)
Gabrielle: Carlos! Come on, they're here!
Mary Alice: (continuing voiceover) And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best - whether it was exotic perfume shipped over from Paris, a high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan, or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan. But on this day, her expectations were going to be put to the test - you see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby, and there was a problem with the manufacturer. (Gabrielle opens the door to a very scary looking girl)