(About Julie and Austin) She loves him. And like it or not he loves her.
(Susan and Edie walk in on Austin and Danielle making out on Edie's couch.)

Susan: Don't you walk away from me!
Edie: Do we have to do this now?
Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!
Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.
Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)
Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.
Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!
Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.
(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)
Edie: Ahem!
(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)

Well I'm sorry I've never been good at getting people not to have sex!

Bree: Well, I'm sure that she must have lots of other houses to show you.
Edie: Nope, Alma took one look at the Applewhite house and "BAM" it was love at first sight.
Bree: What?
Alma: We're going to be neighbors!
Bree: No! (pause) I mean, I mean, no. Alma, you can't buy this house!
Alma: Why not?
Bree: Well, are you aware of its history? The previous owner was harboring a murderer.
Edie: It was her son. And say what you like, she was a great mom.
Bree: They had a dungeon in the basement! And people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night.
Edie: (quietly, to Bree's ear) There's going to be groans coming from your house if you don't zip it!

The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks.

Edie: I think Wisteria Lane is the place for you.
Alma: Good. More than anything I just wanna fit in.
Mary Alice: (narrating) Oh you will, Alma. You absolutely will.

(Edie and Mike talk through the bars of his cell.)
Mike: I'm gonna need a good lawyer. And that may take a little research.
Edie: Uh huh.
Mike: And whoever takes my case will need a retainer. So if you don't mind, I promise I'll pay you back.
Edie: Oh, okay.
Mike: And make sure he knows about my wrench. Apparently, they tested it and found traces of Monique's blood. What's wrong?
Edie: I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy.
Mike: No, I didn't pick up on it.
Edie: Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing.
Mike: Wrench.
Edie: Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast.
Mike: What are you trying to say?
Edie: Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people.
Mike: You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?
Edie: Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this.

(Edie is showing Bree, Orson and Gloria a cheap house.)
Edie: Let's try to be positive people! It's a fabulous location and just walking distance from all sorts of fun shops.
Bree: Right! From here I can see a bail bonds man and an adult book shop!

You know, it just occurred to me, there's no point in paying the cable bill if you're not gonna have electricity. So I'm thinking pay the electricity upfront and...

Susan: (talking about Julie and Austin) Are you crazy? If we don't do something those two could end up having sex.
Edie: Could?
Susan: Oh my God! You don't...
Edie: I've got a box of condoms in my dresser. Eleven are gone. I can only account for eight of them.

Harvey: Carolyn, honey, it's me. Harvey. Look, I'm really sorry, what I did was wrong, but I still love you a lot.
Carolyn (eating cookies): Cut the crap. I had my hair done this morning, did you notice, huh, you even notice?
Harvey: I was distracted... you were shooting at me.
Edie: Tell her to let the kids go.
Carolyn: Who the hell was that?! You got a woman in there?
Harvey: She's a customer!
Carolyn: Don't lie to me, Harvey, she is another one of your whores, isn't she?!
Edie: Oh, fantastic!
Harvey: Carolyn, I swear...
Carolyn: I hope you're having a good time in there whore, because I got a bullet for you too!

Edie: (to Harvey Bigsby about the shoplifting) Look, make him work it off. You get a free stock boy for a month!
Austin: A month? It's a 10 dollar bottle of whiskey!
Edie: Exactly! You weren't even smart enought to steal the good stuff!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

Carlos: We're gonna have a baby!
Gabrielle: Oh.
Doctor: You should know that since she's experiencing early symptoms, this might be a tough pregnancy for her.
Carlos: Not a problem. We are gonna treat her like a queen!
Gabrielle: Absolutely. You have nothing to worry about here.

This is what rainy days are good for. They make everything clean again. Especially on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy.

Mary Alice