Elliot Reid Quotes
Elliot: What's wrong?
Carla: It's personal.
Elliot: Why won't you ever open up to me? I came to you when I thought I had a broken tailbone and it was just a really bad pimple!
Carla: It's a sex thing, okay?
Elliot: You mean like a gender issue or like intercourse? Because I'm book-smart on both!
Elliot: Talk to me... Talk to me...
Carla: You know, that's really getting annoying. In fact, every time you say it, it makes me not want to talk to you all the more.
Elliot: Talk to me...
Carla: All right! Fine!
Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you - stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink
Elliot: Doctor Cox! I pulled all the x-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh my God, that totally came out wrong I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No, no, no, it's just that I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. I just want to make you happy
Elliot: Look, Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you. For gosh sakes, I was top five in my class!
Dr. Cox: Enggghhh! That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
Elliot: Okay! I was eighth, but I can do this! I'll get us this perfect -
Dr. Cox: Don't say it!
Elliot: ...perfect game!
Dr. Cox: What part of "don't say it" did you not understand? Was is the "don't"? Or was it the "say it"? Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you; help me to help you; help me to help you
Elliot: What opportunity?
Doug: No, shush, shush.
J.D.: Shut up! You see, in baseball, when a pitcher's really hot - no one talks to him, no one looks at him, you just stay out of his way!
Elliot: Why are you talking about baseball?
Dr. Cox: Because you should never jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game! My GOD, Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning?! All by yourself! It's remarkable!
J.D.: See, 'cause he's the pitcher-
Elliot: Yeah, I get it now!
J.D.: Dr. Cox must have my pager on speed dial. He's completely on top of me today.
Elliot: Oh, do you know how much I wish Dr. Cox was on top of me?
J.D.: That's naughty!
Elliot: You make me so mad, I might actually scream! Every day you bitch and you bitch about how hard Dr. Cox is on you, and you don't even realize that you're his go-to guy.
J.D.: Oh, come on, you're over-reacting a little bit.
Elliot: What has he had you do today? Hm?
J.D.: Ummm... He had me intubate and extubate Mrs. Pollard; float a Swan on Mr. Caulca; and then do two thoracenteses, a paracentesis, a radial art. line...oh, and then place a transvenous pacemaker for a complete heart-block. Why? What did you do?
Elliot: Oh, uh... Cream. No sugar.
J.D.: He takes it sugar, no cream
Elliot: I just don't know what to do about Dr. Cox!
J.D.: What the hell is going on, here?
Elliot: It's like, I say one thing, he says the other. I seriously can't take it anymore.
J.D.: Fine, why don't you just quit, become a lesbian, and hook up with some hot model?
Elliot: What does that have to do with anything?
J.D.: I don't know...I just thought it'd be hot
Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?
Elliot: Uh...I don't know, sir. They probably waste it all on...food
I understand that you took a cab all the way down here - that doesn't mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to present a patient: Nineteen year old complaining of abdominal pain - turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just gonna let one of the Family Practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart; except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago, so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl. It'll be good practice for you, since you'll probably end up in a female specialty, anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm Internal Medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie, and most women end up in OB-GYN, Family Practice, or Pediatrics. It's like a rip-tide, sweetheart - pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want; but when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not gonna be thinking, "I'm Internal Medicine" - nope. It's gonna be, "Ohhhh, look at the baby!"
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I'm offended!
Dr. Kelso. Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right
