Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

I'm Columbian, I know a fake crime scene when I see one.

It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, Jay?

He comes from a long line of fishers and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary!

Does he have a mallet? Then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay, you look so strong and sexy. Like an Olympic wrestler, but with money

I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.

This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

It's very important to Manny that you two go have a nice picnic in the mountains.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire