Homer: No no honey, I love everything you force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
Bart: And what does that get you?
Homer: Hopefully not a you.

Dad I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.

Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.
Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Marge: What are we going to do?
Homer: It's not so bad sweety, I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.

Lisa: Remember when Apu let dad have the expired hot dog?
Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?
Homer: Moes before bros.

Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.
Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow I get to tell everyone why.

Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from LinkedIn.

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

Homer: She's gone!
Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!