The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXHomer Simpson Quotes
Mmm... elephant fresh.
Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So, excuse me if I'm cruel!
Homer: Look at this, Marge! $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
I only have two questions... how much and give it to me.
Marge: (referring to Stampy) Homer... it looks like it could gore.
Homer: (chuckles) It does look like Al Gore.
Blackheart: All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
Homer: Here's the keys.
Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys.
Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever . . . Football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
TV Voiceover: Warning, tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer: See, because of me, now they have a warning.
Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty.
Marge: Homer! Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and steal his tickets?
Homer: Yeno.
Ned: (answers door) Huh? (Homer ges ready to hit him, but changes his mind)
Homer: Oh. Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you.
Ned: Well, get out the Crayolas and color me "Tickled Pink". Ooh, what's with the lead pipe, were you going to give my noggin a flogging?
Homer: Well, yeah.
(they both laugh)
Ned: Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.
Homer: Oh yeah. The judge made me do that once too. Stupid lack of public urinals.
