Nobody doesn't like me. I'm Jay. I'm salt of the earth.

What's one more son in a dress?

Fulgencio Umberto, the initials are F U Pritchitt which is exactly the way it feels right now

That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.

Papa would buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut up.

For God's sake change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, not Nixon on the beach!

If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers you wouldn't be having a baby.

Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

You've been deported twice; you're not allowed to be that defensive.

I'm having a baby at 65. You wanna another surprise Gloria? Buy yourself a box of crackerjacks.

I remember thinking, I can't save you buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.