Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

I know I'm gullible because a lot of people tell me that and I have no reason not to believe them.

Jess: Nick kissed me?
Cece: WHAAAAAAAAAA?

I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Sam: Hi - are you Katie? I'm Sam from CupidMatch.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.

Winston: The phone?
Jess: I don't know...looks like a meth-head sandwich to me!

I don't know the words!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I may be dirty, but I play old.

Ed