In my heart, I'm a vegan. In my mouth, I lack discipline.

Leah: Her name's Allison. She's a radical vegan.
Lisa: I know a lot of radical vegans. She must be really lonely.

Jonathan: Where's Ray?
Leah: He's in the bathroom masturbating.
Jonathan: What?
Ray: I'm almost done. Just three more tugs.

Claudia Worth: Are you a man or a boy?
Jonathan: Well... what's the difference?
Claudia Worth: With a man, you feel like you're being taken, and you like it. And with a boy, you feel like they're stealing something from you, and you don't like it.

Jim Jarmusch: So I really loved your novel. Dark, funny, perverted, beautiful. You must really suffer from the terrifying clarity of your vision.
Jonathan: Thank you. I do suffer. Thank you.

(to Jonathan) Lives don't change. We simply become more comfortable with our core misery, which is a form of happiness.

Dr. Worth

Dr. Worth: Sounds to me you're leading a double life.
Jonathan: I think that I am. I'm like a Russian doll. There's all these versions of me in me.
Dr. Worth: There's only one you. And he's running away from his life.

Jonathan: Why was [Priscilla] your best wife?
George: Everything with her is as intimate as kissing. I never really got over it. Most orgasmic woman I've ever been with.

Yousef: (looking at Jonathan's black eye then to Ray) Lovers quarrel?
Jonathan: Ummm...more or less.

Jonathan: God, that's the biggest herpes blister I've ever seen in my life.
George: Thank you. I'm very proud of it.

Jonathan: Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip? You were stung by a bee?
George: Yes. A bee with herpes.

(Jennifer suspecting her boyfriend is cheating)
Jonathan: Are you sure?
Jennifer: That's what my therapist said. 'Are you sure?' Yes, I'm sure! God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust deniers. It happened. I'm sure!

Bored to Death Quotes

Men face reality. Women don't. That why men need to drink.


I've always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Make me think of my childhood.