The Big Bang Theory
Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBSPopular Leonard Hofstadter Quotes
Leonard: You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years and that there'd be an asterisk next to his name because he'd be a cyborg
Wolowitz: Oh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating—or if you will, pon farr—it's an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human; his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just conceive.
Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears?
Leonard: Check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar.
Sheldon: Ohhh, neat, what is the occasion?
Leonard: Well, you are a friend, and you like Batman and cookies, and you are off the team
Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names must be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with a Bengal tiger when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Leonard: Will the gentleman of the great state of denial yield for a question?
Sheldon: I will yield.
Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of witch the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon: He does!
Leonard: I move we are the Army Ants
Sheldon: I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colors are based on Star Trek: The Original Series; the three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Leonard: Why do they say, "AA"?
Sheldon: Army Ants.
Leonard: Isn't that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.
Sheldon: Why would a Physics Bowl team be called Anodized Aluminum?
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Leslie: Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Leonard: Yeah.
Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high-energy particles for laundry and childbearing?
Sheldon: Count me out.
Leonard: What? ...why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Penny: What actor holds the record for being named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?
Sheldon: William Shatner!
Leonard: I don't think it's Shatner.
Sheldon: Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart
Sheldon: Why'd you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present - travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox—if you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Raj: I can't feel my fingers. Hurry up!
Sheldon: It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go—basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon, if my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one
Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them, they are there!
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point
