Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.
Lou: You also have no evidence.
Chief Wiggum: That's implied.
Chief Wiggum: Get me a t-shirt - XXL.
Lou: I thought you said XXL was a real wake up call?
Chief Wiggum: That was for pants.
(to Santa's Little Helper) Nobody stays when you say freeze, you might as well say run.
Chief Wiggum: As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
Lou: Except pants that fit.
Lou: No sign of the Serpent.
Wiggum: It's always work with you.
Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery.
Chief Wiggum: (bored) A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. (hangs up) That's another one, Lou 723 Evergreen Terrace. (Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it) Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it hereand I move these over here hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law".)
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.
Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Switches of Eastwick.
Lou: Switches of Eastwick?
Chief Wiggum: I don't want to censor myself. That's how creativity dies.
Chief Wiggum: Who are you, the rules police?
Lou: No, we are the police police.