Manny: Today feels like a good day for halibut. Hey, Jay, did I ever tell you about the time I used peanut butter and jelly for bait?
Jay: I don't know. You tell me a lot of funny things.

Can we stop calling me little guy? I'm in the fortieth percentile.

You have a laugh that makes science lab seem like recess.

I've seen the kid do a pull-up.

The universe is cold and loveless.

He has a natural confidence. I admire it and fear it.

She can't take criticism about her driving. Once an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk, she honked so long, the horn ran out.

Her name is Whitney. I met her in the online book club. We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

[Jay and Manny watching Miracle on 34th Street]
Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.

Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up til morning.
Jay: I'm sure they do, but if you notice from the absence of goats in the streets, we're not in Colombia.

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.