I know this seems impossible, but this is for all those times Mom told you she was right and you knew she was wrong.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

You're all the porn I need.

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Don't talk black to me!

Gather round like you're hugging me, but don't touch me!

This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

If I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil: Or the smoking.

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me