Phil Mymen Quotes
Phil: Hello. I'm Philip Myman. I'm here for my free vasectomy. I believe I am also entitled to a complimentary windbreaker.
Receptionist: We're out of windbreakers. Would you like a sports bottle?
Phil: No, I got the sports bottle when they rolled back my pension.
Phil: Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless. We have been hated throughout history. The English hunted Mymans for sport. The French used us as building materials. The Russians had an expression: "As useless as a stack of Mymans.
Ted: Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors. "The Screaming Mymans"--that sounds promising.
Phil: They weren't warriors. The Crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls as ammunition.
Phil: This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
Lem: He must never know about Aqua-Ted.
Phil: Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
Lem: Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now. I have to go see Veronica and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.
Ted: So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
Veronica: Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
Ted: When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
Veronica: Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
Ted: Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.
Ted: Phil, just because they use the word "whee" doesn't mean it's a good thing. Remember "Whee! It's Pension Rollbacks"?
Phil: Oh, actually that was fun.. until they rolled back our pensions.
Lem: But what about protocol?
Ted: Forget protocol. Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork before discovering his Theory of Relativity?
Phil: Actually, he was a patent clerk, so all he did was fill out paperwork
Phil: So I've been thinking about our past, and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
Lem: And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
Phil: So we both saw that shark special last night
Lem: How can I trust you now? I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
Phil: No, that is true, I swear. I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon
Lem: You went to the University of Aruba?
Phil: Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional
When I took this job, I lied on my resume. I didn't attend MIT. I graduated from the University of Aruba. I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond. I played rugby. And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador. That was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening
Lem: I will not let you go. Come on, this is just like the virtual climbing wall at MIT.
Phil: It wasn't there when I was there.
Lem: It's virtual. Technically it was never there
