Walden Schmidt Quotes
Alan: Can I tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.
Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.
Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.
Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.
Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.
Walden: You know if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
Megan: I'd wait for him.
Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.
Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?
If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?
Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.