Billie, don't worry about it. You are beautiful, and you're funny. And you've got a cool job. Awesome TV. Insurance. Any guy would be lucky to have you


So... about my internet date, uhm, he's married. And on top of that, his wife is pregnant too, and we have the same doctor. And, I asked him to leave

Billie [to Abby on the phone]

Billie: What are you doing?
Zack: I'm having a date.
Billie: Dates happen outside the home.
Zack: When you have money

Abby: What about Zack? Are you at least gonna tell him you're going to start dating?
Billie: Of course.... Now, I am.
Olivia: Do it with your top off. I've delivered a lot of bad news that way

Davis [about Billie and Zack]: Don't stress him out. She's not gonna try to marry him. She's just gonna mold him into a boring funless drone whose sole purpose in life is to accompany her to the fabric store! I mean, Shark Week? That's canceled. Peeing in the sink, finished! [to Zack]: I mean, she's gonna have your balls in a bear trap. But other than that, you are all good!

Olivia: [James] mailed you the box? Ohh, that is the work of a breakup master!
Billie: So I've heard. Why did I date the breakup master? Why can't I meet the relationship master?

Zack: The reason I didn't sleep with you... is because I had an orange penis.
Billie: Wow, I was imagining how you were going to finish what you're saying, but 'orange penis' is not where I was going

Billie: Do you have some sort of bugging device?
James: What are you talking about?
Billie: You wait until Brian starts talking to me, then you pop up like a zit on prom night

You didn't call me before you tried to seduce [Zack] because you know that I think you should have a real relationship with him. You didn't want to hear that, so you called the bad idea lady [points to Olivia]

Abby [to Billie]

Billie: I'm thinking of sleeping with Zack. My brain says it's a bad idea, but it's being outvoted by every cell in my body. Is sleeping with him right now desperate or empowering?
Olivia: Is he passed out?
Billie: No.
Olivia: Empowering!

I don't know any other way to put this, but I have happy feelings in my downstairs area


Did you see that? There I was being flirted with by a handsome married man who's kind of my imaginary boyfriend and James totally booty-blocked me!