Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXPopular Archer Quotes
(Barry walks into the Office thinking Lana killed Archer)
Lana: (offscreen) Barry, you might want to call the cleaners.
Barry: Wha...?
(We hear something smash)
Lana: (looks down at unconscious Barry) Because there is lamp everywhere.
(To himself) Barry, does this make up for Framboise? It does other Barry, it sure does.
Barry
Carol: So after I..(dodges a thrown Vase) after I call your vase guy?
Malory: (refering to Archer) Freeze everyone of his accounts!! And then call woodhouse, then we'll see how long Sterling can go without suckling at my teat!
Carol: (shudder) Ugh!
(Malory is Depressed because she thinks Sterling's Dead)
Malory: (Despondent) Bring me some posion Pam because I don't wish to live anymore! I'm dead inside...
Pam: (holding notice) Too, dead inside to read good news?
Malory: (overly dramatic) Is it my Obituary?
Pam: (smirking) Well, it's not that much good news.
Malory: (snarling) GIVE ME THAT, OAF!!
(looks at paper) OH MY GOD! Sterling! He's Alive!!
Malory: (discussing Arhcer) He'll be back! Crying for his mommy, just like that christmas break when I moved and forgot to give the boarding school my new address. (Carol who's listening gasps) I mean he rode the train all the way into town he couldn't pick up a phone book!? (Carol gasps horrified) 9 years old and crying for his mommy in that Police Station like a little girl! What does that tell you?
Carol: (disgusted) Kind of a lot actually....
Malory: (annoyed) Oh shut up I bet your barren.
Sterling Archer: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? (throws glass tumbler into decanter)
Malory Archer: I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
Sterling Archer: Well you just destroyed my innocence!
Malory Archer: Oh Please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling Archer: Twelve.
Malory: This is why I can't have nice things
Archer: Why, because you shoot them?
(Trying to figure out who Archers father is)
Archer: And just who might my dad be?
Malory: Gene Krupa, no wait... not Krupa... the other one, the one with Teeth......Buddy Rich.
Archer: (shocked) What?
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Archer: (furious) COULD YOU SAY NO TO ANYONE!!?
(Malory vicously slaps him across face and glares)
Malory: (glowering) I said no to plenty.
Lana: (to Cyril) Seriously, you cheated on me with Carol!?
(Mentioned girl passes by open door)
Cheryl: It's Cheryl!
Lana: (to Cyril) Exactly, I think I made my point.
What! Who's there!? What do you want!? Because all your gonna get is holes...Uh.. I mean... holes in you... not my holes...
Malory
Archer: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a...
Archer: Grill cheese.
Malory: What?
Archer: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Archer: (Begins sobbing)
It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.
