Eggs: I'd be honored to go to the dance with you! If that's what you meant?
Val [laughing]: Yeah, yeah that was exactly what I meant.

Lilly: What if he activates the orb before we get the key and kill him?
Brutus: Yeah that would not be good. Monster Soup.

Candace: I don't remember what happened, where's my mom? Oh God! Oh no no no no! Mom, what did you do? What happened?
Lilly: She actually saved your life.
Candace: Well why couldn't you save hers! No, mom please talk to me, mom. Please don't go, please don't leave!

Brutus: I uh...
Lilly: Brutus?
Brutus: I gave you the wrong orb.
Astrid: Wrong orb? What do you mean?
Brutus: Well... the truth is... the truth is my one true love never broke up with me. She was sucked through a portal into a horrifying dimension, one that is nothing like your lovely earth. And I have to rescue her. Just like your bird person. So I gave you the orb that opens the portal to the dimension where she is, instead of the one that closes your portal.
Lilly: So you've been lying to us this whole time?
Brutus: No.
Astrid: Isn't it your job to protect us? Help us close this thing? The Portal Protectorate and all?
Brutus: I may have stretched the truth.

Candace: Mom I'm at school. What's up?
Christine: Sweetie we need to talk. You have been acting very distant lately. Getting detention? Missing youth group? And I know why.
Candace: You do?
Christine: It's because I slept with Tate's dad.
Candace: WHAT?
Christine: Don't worry honey it was a one-time thing. It is over. We are not going to force you to become step-siblings.

The ending of Romeo and Juliet down under? Too depressing. I rewrote it! They're not gonna die. They're going to have a big fat Australian wedding and live happily ever after.


Jordan: Watch it loser
Astrid: Go to hell loser
Doppelganger Lilly: Hey! Go to hell Jordan.
Astrid: I missed you, partner.
Doppelganger Lilly: Missed you, partner.

Lilly: Who are you?
Doppelganger Lilly: Who are you?
Lilly: I'm Lilly.
Doppelganger Lilly: I'm Lilly.
Lilly: Stop repeating everything I'm saying.
Doppelganger Lilly: Stop repeating everything I'm saying.

Eggs: Just tell them what's going on.
Astrid: Uhhhh, yeah uh sorry Sparrow. Lilly and I are kinda Monster Hunters.
Candace: What the?
Sparrow: That is not what I expected you to say.
Candace: This is insane. But I'm weirdly not completely surprised.

Sparrow: Okay. Okay -- so this is where you've been going this whole time. Oh my God, I'm dating Buffy holy shit. This is rad. No, but you should have told me about this before we're about to die! Like: "hey! Sparrow! Monsters are real!"
Astrid: I'm not going to let you die!

Eggs [aggressively]: Can I talk to you? Privately? So I know you guys aren't "hunting monsters," however I do have some really important information for anyone who was "hunting monsters."
Astrid: Fine! Yes we're hunting monsters. What?
Lilly: Astrid!
Astrid: Yeah what? He clearly knows!

Tate: Candace and Lilly are frickin' dating.
Candace: I wouldn't really call it dating.
Astrid: Wait a second, Candace? Wait a second! Tate! Did you just out them? On what planet do you think that that's okay? That's beyond unacceptable you idiot.

Astrid & Lilly Save the World Quotes

Brutus: Look, I can't make you stay. Rule number 6795c. But you should know, the thing that has your friend is called the Tearjerker and it targets literally that cries for any reason at all.
Astrid: We gotta go. Let's go.

Astrid: What Spell?
Brutus: Oh you know, the one where you were standing 7.263 feet from each other. The copper, the fir tree bark, and the _____ when you were howling your intense pain at the moon. "aahhhhh"
Lilly: And then we said "we want you all to evaporate" backwords!
Brutus: What? No, no, only the stuff that I said.
Astrid: Why are we listening to this lunatic?
Brutus: And you really should've known better than to do it on the third Sunday of the ninth month during the pink moon! Come on.