Better Off Ted Quotes
Ted: So people are not loving the slapping.
Veronica: You think I like it? Touching all those strange faces--it's gross.
Ted: Plus, you could get fired. Plus, it's a weird-ass thing to do.
Veronica: Yes, Ted, I know. I shouldn't hit people on the staff. I've been hearing that since grade school.
Linda: So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca. She's beautiful and a veterinarian. so when you meet her, if you start trembling and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.
Ted: Well, it is my move.
Lem: The search engine found someone who looks exactly like you.
Phil: Oh, my god, this is amazing. It's like looking into some bizarre alternate universe where I can drive a bull and wear tall shows with throwing stars attached to them.
Lem: Those are boots with spurs.
I can't function here if people know that twice a month I put on half an ounce of spandex and hide a dove in my... let's just say it's not comfortable for me or the dove.
Veronica
Now I fly to Vegas every other weekend to perform. For those two days, I don't have to be in charge of anything. It's a total release. All I have to do is please the man I love, and twice nightly lock him in a watertight drum, which also pleases me.
Veronica
It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.
Lem
Veronica: Okay, fellas, nerd it up.
Ted: We've been developing a new search engine, and unlike language based search engines, this face-matching technology uses visual recognition...
Veronica: Less nerd, more English.
Phil: You take an image of a person...
Lem: Or "picture."
Phil: And scan it into a computer...
Lem: Or "magic box."
Linda: I'm not embarrassed to say, this is helping.
Linda: So my boyfriend wants us to move in together.
Veronica: Why would he wants us to move in together?
Linda: No, I mean he wants me to move in with him.
Veronica: Then where am I supposed to live?
Linda: You're sabotaging this conversation, aren't you?
Veronica: Just 'til we get to the meeting.
Ted: I hope you're not upset.
Linda: Nah. You stole from the company for me. How could a girl be mad at someone that does that? You're like my thief in shining armor.
Veronica: In a couple of hours we're presenting Jabberwocky to the entire division.
Ted: What? Why'd you agree to that?
Veronica: Oh, really, Ted, is that your strategy, let's make this Veronica's fault?
Ted: You're the only person I told.
Veronica: Wow. It is your strategy. That is so thin.
Phil: What about bio luminescence? Fireflies have been using it for 2,000 years.
Lem: Fireflies--the flaming plates of the insect world.
Phil: And so we're looking for a way to make Ted feel good about us again.
Lem: Any ideas?
Linda: I don't know. Buy him a candle.
Lem: That's not gonna fly. Ted hates things that light on fire.
Phil: Hey, Ted likes Linda.
Lem: You wanna give him Linda?
Phil: Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking that, but...
Linda: I will be given to no man! I saw that in a movie once. (the guys stare) Nothing.
