Better Off Ted Quotes
Veronica: Jeffrey Bouchard.
Ted: Another engineer. There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
Veronica: People always want to have their pictures taken with me, Ted. I'm like a sunset.
It--it's just... what if I can't do this. Maybe I'm really not a writer. What if I end up just some product tester working for a soulless company with a half-finished lemur story in her drawer. What a cliche.
Linda
Veronica: Children... so adorable. In a way, they're like people.
Ted: Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.
Lem: Veronica.
Veronica: Ugh! There are employees everywhere. It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.
Rose: Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.
Veronica: Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.
Ted: You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
Veronica: Not even a little.
Ted: He's one of our department's best engineers.
Veronica: And they're just gonna throw him out on the street with no consideration for how weak that's going to make me look.
Ted: Paul might not like it either, you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Veronica: Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.
Linda: You guys are thinking about antlers and tails, aren't you?
Phil: Why do animals get all the best stuff attached to their bodies?
Lem: I would love to have a blowhole.
Ted: We can have one conversation with Rose. Gently.
Veronica: Fine. Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw, and scoop out her sweet white meat of information. Gently.
Ted: I know you don't like to eat children, but it's that kind of talk and your cottage in the woods made of candy that keeps those rumors alive.
Ted: Honey, there's nobody at the company named Larry Pancake or anybody else named after food.
Rose: What about Taco Tony in the cafeteria?
Ted: Well, that was just a nickname, and we don't call him that anymore. When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.
Linda: I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Ted: Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?
Linda: Hey there, Bloopity-Bloo.
Ted: Bloopity-Bloo?
Linda: It's a nickname I came up with for you, right off the top of my head.
Ted: Hmm, so what made you get high before work this morning?
Phil: She seemed nice.
Lem: That was Nadine.
Phil: Oh, good. So you know each other.
Lem: Yeah, she's one of the company's lawyers. Sorry for not introducing you.
Phil: Your tongue was kind of busy. All up inside her month.
Lem: She's amazing. It's just that we both work such long hours, it's hard to find time to go out. So we usually meet in her office, where she has a door that closes and a closet where we can hang our clothes so we're crisp and fresh after we've soiled each other.
Phil: The only time I've ever been naked in this building is that time I was deloused. Remember, when those super lice got out and tried to colonize me?
Lem: Mmm. This is more fun then that.
Lem: Wow, look how fierce and protective [Veronica] is.
Phil: This must be how a baby lion feels when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medical records.
