Better Off Ted Quotes
I wish I had the power to make everyone go away. Oh, wait. I do.
Veronica
Oh, man, this lie has spread like mayonnaise at a Baptist picnic.
Ted: The company has classified this as confidential.
Linda: But it's a good thing. Why does it need to be confidential?
Ted: Because, uh, if only bad things were confidential, then every time they labeled something as "confidential," people would know it was bad.
Linda: That's weird.
Ted: I know. Then don't do it.
Veronica: There is no program to green the building.
Ted: Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.
Veronica: I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.
Ted: So it's all a lie?
Veronica: They prefer to look at it as a dream.
Ted: But one they're not working towards?
Veronica: Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.
Lem: We've disappointed him.
Phil: No one would want to be us right now, and since we are us right now, it's very difficult.
So how did I get here? Because I like a girl, specifically this girl. And like so many stories about a girl, this one starts with gunplay.
Veridian Dynamics. The environment. Everyone likes it. And so, we do too. That's why we're committed to saving it. Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green. It's ridiculously expensive and spending money makes us sad. But we're doing it because we love nature, even when it's being mean or just acting stupid. Veridian Dynamics. Greening our world.
Commercial
Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that's love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don't.
Commercial
Veronica: God, I love Asia. There's no regulation on anything. Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference about reasons to move your business to Asia.
Linda: I know. They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here. I want my country back.
All I have to do is look at Phil and he tells me everything. Even things I don't want to know, like his time-saving system for washing his legs.
Veronica
Ted: Hmm. Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Veronica: Now I'm hungry.
Veronica: How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Ted: Well, you better take his picture down. Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one of you and Saddam Hussein riding that tandem bike.
Veronica: Yeah. That was before he got weird.
