Better Off Ted Quotes
Phil: Hello. I'm Philip Myman. I'm here for my free vasectomy. I believe I am also entitled to a complimentary windbreaker.
Receptionist: We're out of windbreakers. Would you like a sports bottle?
Phil: No, I got the sports bottle when they rolled back my pension.
Ted: What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway?
Veronica: My stupid sister popped out another one. And I held it, and it smelled really good. It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back. Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have. But part of it was something else.
Ted: We have a scientist problem.
Veronica: God. I can't wait until they invent their own replacements.
Lem: I'm so weak. How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
Ted: Oh, at least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
Lem: No, I did not. But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
Phil: Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless. We have been hated throughout history. The English hunted Mymans for sport. The French used us as building materials. The Russians had an expression: "As useless as a stack of Mymans.
Ted: Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors. "The Screaming Mymans"--that sounds promising.
Phil: They weren't warriors. The Crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls as ammunition.
Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.
You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.
Veronica
Greg: I have my own little way of acting out.
Linda: Really?
Greg: Yeah.
Linda: What is it?
Greg: No, you're going to think it's strange.
Linda: Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
Greg: All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
Linda: You what now?
Greg: Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.
Veronica: Oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project?
Lem: Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
Veronica: Please. I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
Phil: This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
Lem: He must never know about Aqua-Ted.
Linda: You're good-looking.
Greg: Yeah, it bums me out, too. Thanks a lot, God.
Linda: No, it's just, I'm not dating off that stupid list. A friend and I made a deal not to. We can't let the company breed us like golden retrievers or we'll all end up with weak hips and kennel cough.
Danielle: Hi, I'm Danielle. The company feels very strongly that we should "whee..." have unprotected sex with each other.
Ted: Oh, you're that Danielle. You're, you're on my compatibility list. Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
