Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 11 Quotes
Peter: Hey Horace, how about you take that weiner out of your hand and give me a beer?
Horace: Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch!
I'm feeling ship-shape, if the ship is the SS Minnow! Doctor said I'd be making bland jokes for a week.
Peter
Are you watching porn in the kitchen? Come on man, we eat in here!
Stewie
Lois: Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay?
Dr. Hartman: One more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.
Peter: Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork?
Waiter: I think it was that one.
Peter: [licks fork] Give me cocaine!
What the hell, Lois? Yesterday you were all over me, and then for a confusing period, inside of me!
Peter
Lois: Peter, what happened to your voice?
Peter: Oh, you know what happened, you sexy minx. My white blood cells attacked the pathogens and created antibodies and then the pathogens were filtered out by my kidneys into my urine and then expelled from my body, you slut.
Stewie: Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere! Have you seen him?
Brian: Oh, I thought Lois would've told you. She sent him back to the factory.
Stewie: what, why?
Brian: She was afraid he was going to choke you.
Stewie: That was a game we played! Believe me, I was in control the whole time!
Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun at the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.
Peter
Lois: Oh Peter, this voice of yours is really something. I can't get enough of it!
Peter: Yeah, it's been pretty great. Y'know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday.
Lois: Oh my god, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom.
Peter: Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.
For those of you who turned out to see my stand-up comedy debut at Zany's last night, I again apologize for what I said about Moroccans.
Tom Tucker
