I’m calling an audible. Scratch the whole touchy-feely acoustic thing.

You know what I think? I think you’ve been my coattails since we’ve been 10 years old, and now you’re riding my wife’s, so why don’t you mind your own business for once?

I am upset. I’m sick about it, but I’m still your mother-in-law and I love you.


Eric: First of all, the Giants don’t need any help ruining their season. And Joe isn’t your problem. That is. If you want to fix things with Joe, you’ll get off your ass and off the sauce.
Frank: I already had a dad, so you can practice your parenting on somebody else.

Amy: We can pull each other out of this.
Joe: I don’t think that we can.

Gwen: I say this with love, Amy, but this is on you. This is how you save a marriage. One of you shows up.
Amy: I’m the only one that’s fighting.

Zeke: They worry about me. It’s all they ever do.
Zeke’s mom: It’s my job. I’m your mother.
Zeke: They can come, right?
Joe: Absolutely. You're all invited. We will make whatever accomodations are needed.

Eric: Carseats, swaddles, cribs, it all adds up. Yeah, you smile, but you’ll be having the same argument in no time.
Joe: Dude, stop!
Mallory: Enough forcing people to have babies.

Zeke, I have carried you in my heart every day in my heart for these last 10 years. And now seeing seeing you happy, loved, and adored the way I prayed you would be, I couldn’t ask for anything more.


Gwen: This is about my son.
Professor: So your boy has dreams of playing Lincoln Center one day?
Gwen: He can’t become a cop. I can’t lose another one. Can you get him in for an audition?

Gwen: Okay, you’re avoiding. Classic Kimbreau move. Trust me, I’m an expert.
Joe: Mom, it’s my marriage, my mess. I got it.

I wish Christmas break was longer.


Ordinary Joe Quotes

Jenny: Joe, when you get home tomorrow, can we talk?
Joe: Sure Jenny, what about?
Jenny: It's kind of an in-person thing.

Eric: Please tell me you're going to the beach with Jenny Banks.
Joe: It’s complicated.
Eric: No, it’s simple. You both have been doing this back and forth dance since college.