I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Ron

Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger. But I'm a gold digger, digger.

Tom

Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

Ron

Ron: I suffer from a disorder called Sleep Fighting.
Leslie: Wow, must be terrible.
Ron: Only when I'm losing.

My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

April

I got that tunnel vision that girls get. I let my emotions get the best of me. I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and it felt icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember! I'm wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! I'm just going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete, I wanna just shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis! Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain; I'm bad at math, and... I'm stupid.

Leslie [giving excuses why she shot Ron]

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Ron

I want to be president someday, so I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was kind of indescribable really. I felt like I was floating. It turns out that there wasn't any marijuana in it, it was just an insanely good brownie.

Leslie

"No Oren I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?"

Ben

Of all my coworkers he is one of a small number of whom I do not actively root against...uh, there I go again gettin' all sappy.

Ron

OK, hypothetically if you're going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale, you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, "What?" But then you thought, "Maybe it's not a whale. Maybe it's a big fish, maybe it's a submarine with a face painted on it." The point is if I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?

Leslie

Oh my God, your inbox is literally filled with penises.

Chris

Parks & Rec Quotes

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.