Leslie: How could there possibly still be glitter on me?
Tom: It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning. I feel much better.

Could you carry him out of here, please? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife.

Leslie

I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each others' wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Leslie

Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something is over. That's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.

Leslie

Go crazy, OK? Give my friend here the works. Really grind the sorrow out of him.

Leslie [to stripper]

I know that legally Ann is now mine, but it weirdly doesn't feel that way.

Andy

Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.

Ron

Tom-cat, pull up a mouth. This buffet is unstoppable.

Ron

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

Ron

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce. But now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

Leslie: OK, Tom. Go put these in places I do not approve of.
Tom: Leslie, I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

Parks and Recreation Season 2 Episode 11 Quotes

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the Earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses, but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

Ron

I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course marriage is number seven. So, watch out everyone. It's all bad.

Leslie