Mark: I feel like it's kinda plain. Like it needs something.
Dan: Yeah. Fast shows and a head start.

I know you've all seen normal people. Can you pick one and act like that?


Oh, good job Dad! We finally got our red dot on the sex offenders map.


I realized I'm old and I can do whatever I want.


You live with mom and dad. You can't even escape the gravitational pull of this house.


Roseanne: What are you doing with all my pictures?
Becky: I don't want her to think obesity runs in our family so I'm getting rid of the ones where you guys were fat.
Roseanne: Those are the only ones where we look happy!

All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The one who didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.

You guys could blow fifty-thousand dollars for me if she decides to not use me as a surrogate. Could you please put away anything you got free with a tank of gas?


Roseanne: What the hell?
Darlene: Shhh. Don't spook it. That's the great North American bottom heavy white wino. It appears to be doing some type of cleaning ritual.
Roseanne: I hear they only do this every ten years when they really need something.

Roseanne: I forgive you.
Jackie: I know how hard that was for you!

Jackie, it is not my fault that I happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.

Jackie: You kept saying what a disaster it would be if she got elected, and how I wasn't seeing the big picture. And how everything was rigged, and I got into the booth and I voted for Jill Stein.
Roseanne: Who's Jill Stein?
Jackie: Some doctor.

Roseanne Quotes

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne: Dan! Dan!
Dan: What? What happened?
Roseanne: I thought you were dead!
Dan: I'm sleeping! Why does everybody always think I'm dead?
Roseanne: You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.