Favorite Scrubs Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Oh, by the way, the Italian gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called, and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double.
Janitor: My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you two doing here?
Janitor: We come up here on our breaks to wrestle.
Randall: And drink beer.
Janitor: Only the winner drinks beer.
Randall belches.
Dr. Kelso: How much to make the garbage go away?
Janitor: Say... twenty bucks a month?... Twenty-three bucks a month?
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight. I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.
Dr. Cox: Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Dr. Cox: YES!
Laverne: I don't want a piece.
J.D.: Well you're the only one. Okay?
J.D.: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.'s Narration: Loved pirates! Just like me!
Dr. Cox: Kevin Casey? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you-are ya shaking hands nowadays?
Dr. Casey: Well, a lifetime of therapy... and a... whole lotta Zoloft... just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!
Dr. Cox: Atta boy!
Dr. Casey: I do have a three-second limit.
Dr. Cox: Boy, who doesn't!
Dr. Casey: It's okay, you can say it.
J.D.(whispering): It's just that you're... you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD.
Dr. Casey: It's not a secret.
J.D.(whispering): I know. I always talk like this.
Dr. Casey: You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here.
J.D.(whispering): I can do it!
Dr. Casey(whispering): I believe in you!
Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey... Dr. Kevin Casey... You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people - you just have to bring your own... knifey thingie...
Carla: "Scalpel".
Dr. Casey: That's the word!
J.D.'s Narration: I was excited for Turk. And, God bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!
Turk: New wax did that?
J.D.: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: New wax did that?
Elliot: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: Oh. Ye-oh, sorry about the girl talk.
J.D.: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk... you know...
Turk: Really big trucks...
J.D.: Solo-Flex...
Dr. Wen: The Todd here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch has been passed.
Turk: Thank you, sir! Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this! Dr. Wen just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!
Dr. Wen: Disappointed?
Todd: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?... He knows...
J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.
J.D.'s Narration: Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
Female Staffer: You look like you could use some help.
J.D.: Nope.
J.D.'s Narration: Even random people.
Male Staffer: You need help, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No thanks, Dr... whatever your name is.
J.D.'s Narration: They won't leave me alone.
Doctor: Free help, here.
J.D.: Piss off, Mickhead.
Carla: Um, what's up with the oatmeal today?
Dr. Cox: Too much milk.
Carla: No.
Dr. Casey: Not enough butter.
Carla: That's it!
Dr. Cox: Did you just diagnose the oatmeal? You can't just go sniff and diagnose the oatmeal.
Jordan: He just did. Kevin, are you single?
Dr. Casey: Yeah. Why, are you?
Jordan: I'm thinking about it.
Carla: Heh. Yeah, me too.
Dr. Cox: What-what in the hell... just happened? Just... J-What just happened!?
