Scrubs Season 3 Episode 9: "My Dirty Secret" Quotes
Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.
Dr. Cox: Man, that's tough.
J.D.: If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?
Dr. Cox: No you may not, on account of this whole Jordan situation being your fault.
J.D.: You told her that spending the day with the baby isn't really a job and that it's turned her into an inflexible shrew!
Dr. Cox: Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? Good night, roomies.
J.D.: We gotta get that lock fixed.
Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla's panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.
She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed. But she never fired him. Even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco...
Elliot
Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
Doug: Darn it!
Carla: So, here's your surprise: You know we'll be getting married in six months... And I just thought it would be so... hot...
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: ...if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night. Can you imagine how great that night will be?
Turk: Awww-So great! Um, how about this, though: How about... you stop having sex, but I keep having sex?
Carla: You mean like an affair?
Turk: No! I'll just have sex with you when you're sleeping.
Carla: Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic?
Turk: Maybe you got me confused with that little Amish boy you used to date.
J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.
Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?
J.D.: First of all, no one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school - long story for another day. Secondly, you don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?... You wish we were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
Dr. Cox: God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!
J.D.: Uh, you know sir, I know that it's cancer, but I'm not really worried.
Randolph: Excuse me, am I confusing cancer with some other disease?
Dr. Cox: No you're not. I think what Captain Bedside here is trying to say is that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so it's still quite easily operable.
J.D.: Yes, and there's an opening in surgery tonight, I managed to jam you in. Look, I know this is happening awfully fast, you must have a lot of emotions swirling around, but I want you to know if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
Dr. Cox: It's okay, tell him.
J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.
Dr. Cox: The, uh, the biopsy's back and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.
Randolph: Rats! Excuse my language, dear. You know what, Catherine, I can see this conversation being riddled with that kind of talk. Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.
Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators* but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr. Eronson here.
Doug: He's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.
Dr. Kelso: Wrong. He's dead. Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?
Turk: Dude, I'm not scared of you. Life's too good. I'm untouchable.
Janitor: That's what I hoped you'd say.
Janitor: You're stupid!
J.D.: See, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Pick someone else to annoy!
Janitor: I don't pick 'em. They pick me!
