Scrubs Season 3 Episode 9: "My Dirty Secret" Quotes
Janitor: Hey, idiot... I said "idiot" and you looked.
J.D.: I looked because you did the "hey idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.
Janitor: Did you look then?
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Heh.
Dr. Cox: Look at that, a message from Jordan.
J.D: How is it going?
Dr. Cox: Just great.
(Dr. Cox throws his pager down the hall)
Guy down the hall: Hey, watch it!
J.D: Dr. Cox, we have know each other for over two years. Let me in okay... Help me, help you, help me, help you, help me, help you...
Dr. Cox: Stop it!
J.D :Help me, help you.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie! Let me-let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning - which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work - when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I'm a giver. And I'm off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week, so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, if I'm not too sweaty from the day's labours, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight". So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.
J.D.: So, uh, you and Jordan... huh? You wanna talk about it?
Dr. Cox: I do, but not here, because I'll probably just (fake crying) oh... cry... and it's too late! Here I swore I wouldn't do this. Come on, Perry, get it together. Get it together. Get it to-you stop it! You stop it! You stop it! You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Huuuuah! Come on, you idiot.
Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you a hundred percent.
Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.
Turk: I'll get the condoms.
Elliot: You have a... penis. And I... have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.
J.D.: Listen sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.
Randolph: I'm not scared.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Randolph: I don't know if you've noticed, but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.
Turk: No, I can't-
J.D.: You're joshing!
Randolph: No, it's true. But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love-
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Oh, God.
Randolph: What's he doing here? You know I don't like these people... Surgeons. Not African-Americans.
Turk: Oh!... We're actually saying "black" now, sir.
Randolph: I was right, Catherine!
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, "Carla from the block" thing she does when she's mad - when she's like "Oh, Bambi, you do not want to mess me with right now."
Doug: You do sound like that.
Carla: Careful Doug, we are not that close yet.
J.D.: "Careful, Doug."
Elliot: That's what's up. Mm-mm. Mmm.
J.D.: "Doug, you better be careful, 'cause I'm Carla."
Carla: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Laverne: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
