Scrubs Season 3 Episode 9: "My Dirty Secret" Quotes
Dr. Kelso: You are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like penis, or vagina, or anal!
Elliot: Anal is not a dirty word sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.
Elliot: She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
Turk: (walking in on their conversation) This just isn't fair. Not fair at all! Ridiculous!
Elliot: This is stupid!
Carla: Elliot, I'm just trying to help!
Elliot: You know what Carla, I really don't remember asking for your help, okay?
Carla: It does look a little sad. They always do.
Turk: Dude, I'm dying here.
J.D.: Turk, it's been like eighteen hours since you had sex.
Turk: I'm saying, this is torture!
J.D.: So why don't you just, like, "take care of yo'self"?
Turk: Man, you know I don't do that.
J.D.: You don't?
Turk: Nah, I've only done that like twice in my life.
J.D.: Same here.
J.D.'s Narration: If by "in my life" you mean "since I came home."
Doctor Reid, your patient Mrs. Burke has developed a urinary infection. Apparently it hurts when she makes wizzywinkles through her seabiscuit.
Dr. Kelso
J.D.'s Narration: Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities. You could encounter a disease you've never seen before. Make a life-saving diagnosis. Or try out the best new nickname ever.
J.D.: Good morning, Black Whale.
Turk: No.
J.D.: No to "black" or no to "whale"?
Turk: Just no.
J.D.: Elliot come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like that!
Elliot: Oh, I'm sure you haven't.
Turk: See, it's funny because you've never really satisfied a woman!
J.D.: Well, you might want to double-check with YOUR MOM!
(Turk throws a piece of paper that lands by the Janitor's feet)
Janitor: You know, loose debris can get sucked up into the air conditioning vents. And when that happens, I have to spend the entire day crawling around inside the wall, and I don't like that. You know why? 'Cause there's not enough air. I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid. So here's the thing: You don't throw around loose trash, and I won't have to waste an entire workday granting the wishes of imaginary fisherman.
Carla: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Laverne: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, "Carla from the block" thing she does when she's mad - when she's like "Oh, Bambi, you do not want to mess me with right now."
Doug: You do sound like that.
Carla: Careful Doug, we are not that close yet.
J.D.: "Careful, Doug."
Elliot: That's what's up. Mm-mm. Mmm.
J.D.: "Doug, you better be careful, 'cause I'm Carla."
Elliot: You have a... penis. And I... have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I-I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I'm out, okay? It's 3 a.m. and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.
J.D.: What do you mean you changed your mind about surgery?
Randolph: Catherine downloaded some information on alternative treatments - diet, exercise, seed implants...
J.D.: No, sir, those are, at best, a stall. Now I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis-
Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the guttertalk! Catherine, hallway.
