Scrubs Season 5 Episode 9: "My Half-Acre" Quotes
Well, it seems I've stumbled into the "time-well-spent" ward. Back to your cage, Ted.
Dr. Kelso
Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line?
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But, hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Elliot: You know, I actually like Julie. So, don't do that thing you always do.
J.D.: If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with Turk anymore.
(Later)
Turk: Behind your ear.
J.D.: (Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear) My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell Elliot we're still playing.
J.D.: I know, I haven't hit it in awhile but there's good reason for that.
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
Dr. Cox: Now Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan. However I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment.
Mrs. Wilk: Ok.
Carla: Oh I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you told me, it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.
Julie gets up to leave, drops her water in Elliot's spaghetti, hits Elliot in the back of the head with her purse, then hits her face with the napkin container
Julie: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I am so sorry!
Elliot: Oh no, it happens.
J.D.: It does, it happens.
Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.
Elliot
J.D.: Can you believe we've been talking for two hours?
Julie: Seriously?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom I set the clocks two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so the next time you took a hot shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.
Tell her about the hit and run. No, she probably loves ponies. Ask her if she's been tested. Why are these odd thoughts popping into my head? My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it!
J.D.'s narration
J.D.: By the way, Julie's here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".
J.D.: Oh really? That came through?
J.D.'s narration: So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.
Elliot: Ha ha you had sex last night with a beautiful girl you really like.
J.D.'s narration: Sometimes she needs a little help.
J.D.: You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop.
Elliot: Right! In your face! Thank you.
E.liot: Yeah, I'm sure you said something that sucked the romance out of the moment. You used to do that all the time when we were dating.
J.D.: Like when?
(Flashback to J.D. and Elliot in bed)
J.D.: Are you getting thicker, you feel thicker?
