J.D.'s Narration: Since Elliot and I are both chief residents, I'm trying not to make it all about me.
J.D.: John Dorian, Chief Resident.
J.D.'s Narration: You know, unless there's someone I could doink.

Miss Myers: Oh, you're so nice. Are you married?
Carla: Oh! He is as of this morning!
Molly: Really? I thought he was divorced?
Carla: No, child, the papers didn't go through!
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Molly: So what's his wife like?
Carla: So scary!

J.D.: Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats on one of those classy suits we always wanted!
Turk: You mean the leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in 'Raw'?
J.D.: You know it, dawg!
Turk: That's cold!

Janitor: Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches? Soo... from now on I'm gonna be your britches shrinker.
He cracks his broom over his knee.
J.D.: Oh, what, is that supposed to intimidate me or something?
Janitor: No. I had to do it anyway.
J.D.: What possible reason could you have for breaking your broom in half?
Randall: Thanks, bro.
Janitor: Any other questions? Smart guy?

Ted: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce - she's with my brother now; he's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece - the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!
J.D.'s Narration: I've never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before. It was neat-o!

Dr. Cox: Hey, Doctor. Doctor! Want to, uh, you wanna take a look at the guy in 302 and tell me whether or not you think he's really sick or just bonkers?
Molly: Are you actually asking my opinion?
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm gonna ignore it, but...yeah, knock yourself out.

Dr. Cox: Jordan! Will you...will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask!

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident.
J.D.: But I'm the chief resident. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident, and-and mine's made out to the co-chief resident. But we both make the same amount.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making ten dollars more a month, and of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making ten dollars less. I know it's not much, but it's largely to symbolize the difference in your levels.
Elliot: Coolio!
Dr. Kelso: Coolio, indeed.

Dr. Cox: Oh, ohh! Hi, sweetie!
Jordan: Save it. I was just calling to tell you that I'm taking Jack and staying at my mother's for a few months.
Dr. Cox: But who's going to be looking after him when you and your mother go out marauding for flesh?

J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate.
Turk: I know that look. You're wondering if you toyed with fate!
J.D.: How could you know that look? It's a brand new look!
Turk: What do you think Todd would've done that I didn't?... Oh my God! That's your "the Todd would've pulled his own heart out" look!
J.D.: Okay, we have been spending way too much time together.

Turk: You know, you only got one more black joke this month before I bust your ass.
J.D.: Dammit! I used 'em all up watching 'Barber Shop 9'.
Turk: Okay, that's it, and I'll get you later.

Dr. Cox: Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients, I'll ask. But do not hold your breath, unless of course you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
Molly: I can't, I used to smoke.

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 3 Quotes

J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married - that doesn't count.

Carla: So are you guys gonna go out tonight?
Turk: No, we're gonna stay in.
Carla: Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.