Scrubs Season 3 Episode 13: "My Porcelain God" Quotes
Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
Ted: I forget. Is that "kill him" or "screw him"?
Carla/Hector: "Screw him."
Ted: Awwww.
Dr. Kelso: I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!
Carla: I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I... uh... well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.
Carla: You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50, but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.
Dr. Cox: Right, right.
Carla: The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Say... Say, Bobbo... Is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?
Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it's any of your damn business.
Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before... I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.
Dr. Casey: It's just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!
Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem...
Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.
J.D.'s Narration: You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.
Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
Turk: Have you seen Carla around?
J.D.'s Narration: Phew! False alarm.
Turk: 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?
J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
J.D.: I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.
Turk: You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.
J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.
Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling - let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof... There is not a toilet on the roof!
Todd: But you just said there was.
Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... uhh... that means... "God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof." Right? People?
Laverne: That's right, ain't nothing up there.
Todd: Cool.
Janitor: Oh, man. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet!
Laverne: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.
Dr. Kelso: This is completely unacceptable!
Carla: Well, you said find him a room!
Dr. Kelso: Not my office, dammit!
Dr. Cox: He's your gardener, for God's sake!
Dr. Kelso: I could have both of you suspended...
Dr. Cox: You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!
Elliot: Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know. Like... extra locks.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.
Elliot: How are the bathrooms at the White House?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.
Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?
Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'Cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly.
Carla: Just tell me why would you make such a big deal about something we both know you don't even care about?
Turk: I don't know...
J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.
J.D.'s Narration: I think it's human nature to search for answers.
Turk: Dude. Why is your tux gonna cost four thousand dollars?
J.D.: No reason.
