Sure Jordan, I guess you can take over the master bathroom, but would you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case when I get home I wanna take three hundred of them?

Dr. Cox

J.D.: I can't stop obssessing about this date I have tonight. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Cox: Well for starters you should probably go ahead and thank your lucky stars that you finally found a gal that's into same-sex relationships.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, what are you doing in here?
Elliot: Sorry, hi Dr. Kelso, I was just, um ah, I was on call.
Dr. Kelso: Well I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it. But what do I know. I'm just a kindly old man that doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Elliot: Oh I've just been so swamped with work, I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
Dr. Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all of that. But, if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds, and believe me missy, either one's fine with me.
Elliot: Thank you, sir?
Dr. Kelso: No problem.

Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute!?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

Elliot: Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!
J.D.: Oh, come on, Elliot. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
Elliot: Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.
J.D.: You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.

Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you - despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you-you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it?
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
Jordan: Yes. Relax.
J.D.: I've seen bigger.
Laverne shoots him a look.
J.D.: No, not you. Although, kudos!

Jordan: You know what I hate?
Dr. Cox: So many things...
Jordan: That's true. I stay at your house almost every night, and even though I feel like crap in the morning, I've gotta drive all the way back to my apartment to get ready and then drive all the way back here to go to board meetings.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, why don't you just leave your boobs and some other stuff at my place?

Turk: Oh, hell yeah!... Did I fall asleep?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
Carla: He's a good man, he's a good man, he's a good man...
Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage? The back, the feet? I let you watch 'The Jeffersons'!
Turk: Baby, I was... just exhausted from work.
Carla: Well, when you were an intern you were always exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
Turk: Oh, that's 'cause I was still trying to get into your delicates.

Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not really looking to make the permanent move to your little bachelor cave over there at Swingers Towers. What happened is, is you made a kind gesture, and I made the mistake of thinking you could follow actually through with it.


Dr. Cox: Okay. I'm going to engage you two in a conversation. And you speak of it to no one, agreed?
J.D.: Okay...?
Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with...
Turk: Twelve.
J.D.: Nine.
Dr. Cox: Eighteen. But not one of them ever really understood me.

Turk: I mean, I consider myself a really romantic guy who's just a little stressed out. And I thought the one person who'd understand that would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: You know what the weird thing is, is that I'm actually trying this time.
Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz.
Turk: Dude!
Dr. Cox: Oh, poor Newbie.
J.D.: No, no! No, no, no, no! No, I'm talking about you guys! 'Cause y-y-y-you guys are like-you guys are like my peeps, you're my dawgs, and you on the fritz. So, there-that's where I get "peeps"/"fritz" came from.
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie. Thank you for... giving me some perspective.

Elliot: Hey.
J.D.: Is this where you're sleeping tonight?
Elliot: Yeah, so? It's, uh, it's cozy... Hospital-adjacent.
J.D.: Elliot! Come on! This is crazy - you're living out of a van like a hobo... or Jewel.
Elliot: Her poetry changed my life.

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out about it as soon as possible - there are vaccinations to consider.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: No, honey, the reason we're late is that you took forever to get ready. That's what happens when you're vain!
Jordan: Whatever you say, Mr. Yesterday I Had Chest-hair, Today I Suddenly Don't.