Seinfeld Quotes

Helen: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty: They're good around the house and they're good for outside!

(reading the form) 'Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?'

Morty

(monologue) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave! There's no way they're gonna wrap this up in five minutes!" I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm -- Can you come back next week?"

Jerry

Elaine, do you remember your dream where you had a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?

Dr Reston

Jerry: What are you repeating everything I say?
George: What are you repeating everything I say?
Jerry: Well George is an idiot.
George: Well G...

How could anyone not like you?

Helen

Newman: Would you please tell the court, in your own words, what happened on the afternoon of September 10th.
Kramer: What do you mean in my own words? Who's words are they gonna be?

Yo-Yo Ma!

Kramer
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The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.

George

George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
Jerry: He's somebody!
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him!
Jerry: You're worse! Much much worse.

(Jerry and George are inside the coffee shop, hiding from Joe Davola)
Jerry: Is he out there? Do you see him?
George: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
George: All right, I don't.

That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there.

George

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry

Seinfeld

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