Seinfeld Quotes
(Kramer answers Jerry's phone and begins speaking Italian)
Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you, what are you doing? Give me that phone. Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.
(Kramer mutters and leaves)
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor, he's not quite himself, he got kicked in the head.
Newman: (telling the suicide banker story) I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible, but I-I distinctly recall him saying-
Kramer: (involuntarily) Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.
Newman: (outside Kramer's door) Come on, are you ready? Let's go.
Kramer: (opens the door, still has shaving cream on his face) For what?
Newman: What's the matter with you? I just spoke to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: About what?
Newman: The courthouse, you gotta go with me too the court house, I'm contesting a ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me, you-you're my alibi, you have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS!
Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat.
(Jerry and George are inside the coffee shop, hiding from Joe Davola)
Jerry: Is he out there? Do you see him?
George: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't.
George: All right, I don't.
(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
Jerry
You know, a muffin can be very filling!
Jerry
Kramer: We had a deal! There's no guarantees in life!
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer!
Jerry: Karma-Kramer?
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it's on TV.
Russell: (pausing) Not yet.
George: Look, you do all the talking, OK?
Jerry: Relax! Who are they?
George: Yeah, they're not better than me.
Jerry: Of course not.
George: Who are they?
Jerry: They're nobody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: What about you?
George: Why them? Why not me?
Jerry: Why not you?
George: I'm as good as them.
Jerry: Better!
George: You really think so?
Jerry: No.
(to George) I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity. Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know, you really need some help, and a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team, a team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talkin about, 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get better.
Jerry
Jerry: This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
Newman: Don't say anything.
Jerry: All right.
(Kramer enters the room)
Jerry: Hey, you know you're getting gypped over here.
George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"
