Wendy: Stan, you know Valentine's Day is coming up.
Stan: Yeah, I know.
Wendy: I was thinking maybe we could go on a cruise.
Stan: Dude, I can't afford a cruise!
Wendy: I know. We could sit in a box in your back yard, and pretend it's a cruise.
Cartman: (Laughs hysterically) That's so lame!
Wendy: Then maybe we can dress up in costumes, like we're getting married.
Cartman: (Laughs) Stop it! You're killing me over here!

Stan: I can't wait to show Miss Ellen what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian then you!
Stan: You're a fatter lesbian then me!
Kyle: Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!

Mr. Garrison: Now Damien, where are you from?
Damien: The seventh layer of Hell.
Mr. Garrison: That's nice. My mother was also born in Alabama.

Damien: I'm sorry that I ruined your playground, and turned your friend in to a duck-billed platypuss. I didn't have a choice! I was doing my father's bidding.
Cartman: (Farts) Oh, Sorry, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!
Stan: Eww, new kid, you smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah, now we're gonna call you fart boy from now on.
(Damien goes over to Pip)
Stan: Goodbye, fart boy.
Kyle: See ya.
Pip: Well, how'd it go?
Damien: Those boys farted on me, and called me---
Pip: Fart boy? Oh good! Perhaps they wont call me that anymore!

Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Megaman."
Kyle: Yeah, mine says "Red Megaman."
Cartman: Right, that's what your supposed to get me for my birthday.
Stan: DUDE!?!?! You're not supposed to tell people what to give you for your birthday!
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak.
Cartman: Look it's very simple guys. "Green Megaman" goes with "Red Megaman" and "Yellow Megaman" to make the "Ultra Mega Megaman." You have to have all 3 or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Cartman: Ohh!!! so maybe you don't want to have any of my moms Cake, Pie, and Ice cream then.
Stan: Oh "Gre..Green Megaman" it is.
Cartman: Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me "Yellow Megaman," that's because the "Yellow Megaman" is the cheapest one and I know how poor your family is.
(Damien walks to table)
Stan: Hey!?!?! what do you think you're doing new kid?
Cartman: Yeah, you can't sit with us weirdo.
Damien: Infidel's!!!! I will turn you all into "Beasts of Burden"!
Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table!
(Damien goes and sits with Pip)
Cartman: (sighs) Anyway Kenny, "Yellow Megaman" is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments in a year, or two.
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman)
Cartman: AYYY!!!!

Cartman: And Kyle got me red Mega...(opens gift) Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants? (angrily) ANTS IN THE PANTS!?
Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun!
Cartman: You son of a bitch! (leaps on Kyle) You were supposed to get me the Red Megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! (Kyle screams) That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home!

Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.


Pip: Oh, good day Damien, my name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.
Pip: Right-o.

Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman: Oh, really?! Gosh! Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes, that's right! I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!

Mr. Mackey: Now why do you think the children like you?
Damien: Because... I'm the son of the Devil.
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, now there's a start. Why else?
Damien: Because I... burn them and kill them?

Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday present?
Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way dude!
Chef: I-I-I cant! I can't hit Jesus Christ! My mother will never speak to me again!
Stan: But you're his fighting partner Chef!
Kyle: Yeah! You have to hit him!
Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef! Please help me train.
Chef: Ok, but I'm just gonna tap you alright?
Jesus: Give it your best shot! (Chef punches Jesus on the face) Oh!
Chef: Oh god in heaven! What have I done?
Jesus: Anybody got the number of that truck?

Stan: Hey Jesus!
Jesus: What are you doing out so late kids?
Kyle: We have to find Red Megaman and Green Megaman for Cartman's party.
Jesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan right?
Stan: Sure dude, you're the son of God.
Kyle: Yeah. You're not having any doubts are you?
Jesus: N-No no! But could you help me train a little?

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot-pie.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No KITTY, THIS IS MY POT-PIE! MOM! Kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty whose sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?

Wendy: Ms.Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: I can't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: Don't f*** with me!
Ms. Ellen: (surprised) What?
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry little ass back to last year! (gets off the seat & walks away) Bye, Ms. Ellen.