South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 5 Quotes
Blainetologist: Where are you going?
(blocks stan from the exit)
Stan: I'm going home?
Blainetologist: You don't want to go home.
Stan: You said we're free to leave whenever we want.
Blainetologist: You are...
Stan: But what about the way?
Blainetologist: I'm not in the way... You are. Are you unhappy with the Church's teachings? Let's just talk about it.
Stan: I don't want to talk about it, I just want to leave.
Blainetologist: Why don't we go in the backroom for a second... Then you can leave.
Stan: That's ok, I... I changed my mind, I'm gonna stay.
Blainetologist (with a sinister smile): That's great news.
(Stan trying to convince Kyle to leave with him)
Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: Goddamnit I'm not going with you, I wanna stay here.
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.
(Stan asking Jesus for help with defeating Blaine)
Jesus: The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
Stan: Can you do it again?
Jesus: Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold, here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now turn around.
(Stan surprised)
Turn around.
(Stan turns around and Jesus replaces the jug of water on the table with a jug of wine)
It is now wine!
Stan: That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Jesus: Uh, well, yeah.
Stan: That trick sucks Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, I guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago.
Jesus: Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes.
Stan: (closes his eyes) I am ready.
(scene changes to Jesus and Stan on an airplane, Stan is still holding on to Jesus and closing his eyes)
Jesus: Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Stan: Yeah.
Jesus: Good. Want some peanuts?
Mohamed: Jesus, come look at this. (Jesus, Stan, and the Super Best Friends move up to a monitor) After your distress call, we entered David Blaine in the super best friends' computer.
Sea-Man: (operating the monitor) Many interesting things showed up. He was raised in New York city by a decent family, but a freak washing-machine accident at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts.
Buddha: That's right, Semen.
(everyone laughs except for Sea-Man)
Sea-Man: (feeling insulted) Sea Man!
Buddha: Uh, that's what I said. Semen. (everyone laughs again)
Sea-Man: Stop it!
Kyle: (whispering) Cartman. Cartman, wake up. Cartman.
Cartman: (wakes up abruptly, knocking Kyle off his bed) No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone! Uh! Uh?
Kyle: It's just me.
Cartman: (Cartman realizes he's at the camp with Kyle and sighs) Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my rest?
Blaine: Damn you, Super Best Friends!
Jesus: Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!
Blaine: (gets in a rocket) Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! But I'll be back! (launches the rocket and flies in the sky)
Jesus: Damnit!
Buddha: It's alright. Everything is as it should be.
Jesus: Oh, shut up, Buddha!
Stan: Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
Kyle: [in bubble] I don't want to kill myself. They rigged this thing to fill with water!
You dirty motha-*bleep*!!!!
Jimmy
(on P.A. system) Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have cripple fight. Cripple fight outside!
Cartman
(people run out of the store to see it)
Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. (everyone laughs but Cartman)
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
Man: Well how gay is he?
Stuart: He's really, really gay.
