Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should 'go get it, girl.' So I'm going to go get it, girl.
Michael: Get what?
Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

Two peas in a pod! One of whom needs to kill the other one immediately.

Janet

That's the good news. The bad news is I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janet

Michael: It's just a simulation. I would never make you kill real people.
Chidi: Oh, well that's reassuring, because some of the parts of the fake people FLEW INTO MY MOUTH.

When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.

Chidi

Okay, so that was trolley problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.

Michael

I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed that I'm not some kind of scientist who forecloses on banks.

Jason

I believe in you, nerd boy. If you can teach me and Jason ethics, you can teach anybody.

Eleanor

The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good, 'cause you're good at everything. You're awesome! Be nicer to yourself.

Jason [to Tahani]

In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Eleanor

Eleanor: Right now, I'm your best student. I'm gonna be the velociraptor.
Chidi: Are you trying to say valedictorian?

I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.

Tahani

The Good Place Quotes

Chidi: Where is everyone?
Eleanor: Who knows? Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting, 'cause it's basically a savory latte with bugs in it.

Jason: Yo, yo! Homies, check it! There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the bad place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.