The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Quotes
Todd: Something, something Fillory, a most amazing land, but fucked by catastrophe, and way before we planned. La la blah blah Fillory, a land without a god. Needs a brand new hero, a strapping land named …
Julia: Todd, please stop. OK, I just want to get this straight: So pig man gave you the quest in the form of a song?
Todd: Yeah. I might have changed some of lines, but that’s the gist. There’s also like three more verses, and the key change is tricky.
Julia: Or you could just write it down.
Todd: Oh, I did. The parts I could remember anyway on a couple of napkins, and then on the back of my hand. But don’t worry, I transferred that to another napkin. But short version: Fillory is in real trouble. He said death is coming for everyone, and then he rhymed that with smeveryone. Anyway, could you please help me?
Julia: I’m not going to help you; I’m going to take over entirely for you.
Todd: Oh thank god because I am dangerously underqualified for this.
Julia: I know.
Penny: What are you going to do with it?
Fogg 17: I’m going to fix things.
Penny: I’ve seen that thing before. That’s the device Stoppard built to travel between timelines.
Fogg 17: Yes, I took it from him to get here, then made a few modifications, enough to take all of Brakebills back home with me.
Penny: Whoa, listen, hey, I get it. My timeline was a mess also, but you have a Brakebills here with no Fogg. Why don’t you just stay?
Fogg 17: Penny, sure, when things start to go wrong, just fuck off to the next timeline. How very appropriate.
Julia: But didn’t you destroy your Brakebills and everyone died?
Fogg 17: Yes, a measure I took to try to contain the damage the Beast could do, and when that failed, Jane Chatwin got to go to the next time loop, while I had to stay behind and live with the goddamn consequences.
Julia: Your timeline continued even though Jane reset it?
Fogg 17: Yes, dear. Were you dropped on your head in this timeline? You should be well familiar with the multiverse hypothesis. As it turns out, one of the goddamn consequences, is I discovered I have a grown daughter, currently living in my post-apocalyptic shit show of a timeline with hardly any living magicians and no resources. I need this Brakebills and everyone in it to fix where I came from.
Penny: You cannot uproot everyone in this timeline just to be a good dad, OK.
Fogg 17: Watch me. Fucking father of the year.
A traveler professor who cannot travel is now the acting dean. Students are blowing themselves up, and I presume you are the aforementioned assholes who moved the moon.
Fogg 17
Margo: Yeah, no shit Fillory’s in trouble. Goes by the name of the Dark King.
Eliot: Or whoever’s ordering dark shit on his behalf. We’re still investigating.
Margo: Which we were kinda in the middle of until you dragged us here ‘cuz you were sure bacon mcswine flu was talking about the harmonic convergence.
Julia: Oops. We accidentally stopped billions of people from dying. I’m sorry.
Julia: So other Todd tied you up and locked you in a closet?
Todd: Yeah, but I’ve never been great with knots, so it was pretty easy for me to escape. Only question is why would evil twin me want to get rid of me in the first place? Of course, evil.
Penny: He wasn’t your twin. I think he was from another timeline.
Todd: Wait, for realsies?
Penny: It adds up – the two Todds plus cinnabar, which last time I saw was being used for time magic.
Todd: I always wanted to meet someone from another timeline.
Julia: Wait a minute guys. What if Dean Fogg isn’t our Fogg?
Todd: Describe him. I transcribed his memoir; I know all 40 Foggs, even got nicknames for some of them: Fedora Fogg, Cocaine Fogg, Swinger Fogg. Actually, those last two are the same Fogg.
Julia: Uh well, this one’s a heavy drinker.
Todd: Yeah, no, that doesn’t really narrow it down.
Penny: OK, he has burns on his hands. He calls you – other you – Eliot. He has …
Todd: Oh, poop.
Penny: What?
Todd: I call that one Psycho Fogg. See in timeline 17, Brakebills kinda blew up, killed almost everybody, and those burns on Fogg’s hands, they’re kinda ‘cuz he’s the one who did it.
Charlton: Bick didn’t make Seb dark. He is dark.
Eliot: I like him, OK. Maybe I like him because I hope he’s not fucked up; maybe I like him because I hope he is, because I am too. Maybe all I deserve is fucked up.
Charlton: No, when you think that way, it’s all you’ll ever get.
Eliot: Why do you care so much?
Charlton: What? I don’t, but what happens to you, happens to me, and I don’t want him happening to me. I know I deserve better.
Eliot: Wild guess: Your mother and your father both loved you unconditionally.
Charlton: How did you know?
Eliot: How could I not?
Margo: I’ve been on the inside, and I’m telling you, it’s a god damn goose-stepping, fairy snatching, ethnic cleansing Gestapo.
Eliot: To be fair, the ethnic cleansing happened after the Dark King left, so…
Margo: He’s innocent because delegates?
Eliot: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Someone in this castle ordered the hunt on that fairy. It could have been the Dark King, but if it was someone else, killing Seb might just make things worse. So we have to find out who before we coup.
Margo: I just want to stab someone.
Eliot: I haven’t heard you this bloodthirsty in, well not that long.
Josh: You’re busy? I just got promoted to head chef.
Eliot: Oh, congratulations.
Josh: Thank you, but I’m about to bail on a state dinner and leave it to my incompetent sous chef because…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Eliot: Josh, would you just give it up? He keeps trying to get us join his film club, which I told him would never work on a planet with no electricity or taste.
Josh: Uh no, sorry, this one’s just a little shy. It’s OK buddy.
Bunny 2: Help us stop the…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Julia: Here’s the deal: When the sister was in me, I remember everything, every bloody second of it. And usually, I’m good at pushing it away, but right now, it is like a constant slideshow in the background. Not fun. El, the monster was in you for months.
Eliot: Well, it was different. People have different experiences. All that time was just one big nap to me, which sounds so good right now.
Julia: I don’t know why you’re lying to me or anyone.
Eliot: I don’t know why you’re accusing me of lying.
Julia: OK, neither of us have the bandwidth for this right now, and I don’t trust you. I don’t. But if you ever do decide to talk, open door.
Natasha: Who the hell are you?
Julia: We’re looking for Mayakovsky.
Natasha: Old, drunk, megalomaniac, fondness for knit caps? Yeah, I’m his daughter.
Alice: Oh, I didn’t realize he …
Natasha: Fucked my mother? Neither did he. Should have seen his face when I came knocking.
Julia: Good, well I hope you have some ideas because we’re striking out.
Zelda: I do; consult the luna-tics.
Julia: The luna-tics?
Zelda: Short for lunar fanatics. In the Middle Ages, people thought insanity was caused by changing phases in the moon. In fact, it was often a lunatic in the throes of worship. They claim to be able to achieve a magical connection with the moon and even under some circumstances move it.
Kady: Hmm, that sounds useful.
Julia: Well, if it’s just branding it means they’re not really crazy, right?
Alice: My dad always said they were bat-shit insane, and he married my mom, so he had a pretty high bar for mental instability.
Luna-tic: What people don’t understand is there is a skeleton of the universe, but we are the bones.
Alice: That’s good to know.
Luna-tic: I am humorous. You, patella.
