The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Quotes
Kady: Sometimes I forget you’re a master fucking magician.
Zelda: I try to keep the showboating to a minimum.
Julia: Good, well I hope you have some ideas because we’re striking out.
Zelda: I do; consult the luna-tics.
Julia: The luna-tics?
Zelda: Short for lunar fanatics. In the Middle Ages, people thought insanity was caused by changing phases in the moon. In fact, it was often a lunatic in the throes of worship. They claim to be able to achieve a magical connection with the moon and even under some circumstances move it.
Kady: Hmm, that sounds useful.
Julia: Well, if it’s just branding it means they’re not really crazy, right?
Alice: My dad always said they were bat-shit insane, and he married my mom, so he had a pretty high bar for mental instability.
Luna-tic: What people don’t understand is there is a skeleton of the universe, but we are the bones.
Alice: That’s good to know.
Luna-tic: I am humorous. You, patella.
Josh: OK, you guys go do that. I’m going to go get some stay awake supplies. I have a muffin recipe with a special ingredient that’s guaranteed to keep us alert for five days.
Margo: What is it -- meth?
Josh: Oh excuse you. It is an organic, locally sourced, natural stimulant that got me through every finals week, and it is definitely not meth.
Eliot: That is exactly what I would say if I was trying to get us to take meth.
Margo: I’ve been on the inside, and I’m telling you, it’s a god damn goose-stepping, fairy snatching, ethnic cleansing Gestapo.
Eliot: To be fair, the ethnic cleansing happened after the Dark King left, so…
Margo: He’s innocent because delegates?
Eliot: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Someone in this castle ordered the hunt on that fairy. It could have been the Dark King, but if it was someone else, killing Seb might just make things worse. So we have to find out who before we coup.
Margo: I just want to stab someone.
Eliot: I haven’t heard you this bloodthirsty in, well not that long.
Josh: You’re busy? I just got promoted to head chef.
Eliot: Oh, congratulations.
Josh: Thank you, but I’m about to bail on a state dinner and leave it to my incompetent sous chef because…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Eliot: Josh, would you just give it up? He keeps trying to get us join his film club, which I told him would never work on a planet with no electricity or taste.
Josh: Uh no, sorry, this one’s just a little shy. It’s OK buddy.
Bunny 2: Help us stop the…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Julia: Look guys, if you’re looking for some sort of inspiration speech on why you should stay and fight, I can’t help. It’s gonna suck, and even if we do succeed -- which we might not -- it’s not like we’re gonna get any credit. The world ends, I end with it, knowing that I did everything I could because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise.
Eliot: Julia’s right. She really does suck at inspirational speeches, but also that we should save the world.
Eliot: What a cozy little nightmare?
Julia: I may need you to punch me to stay awake.
Eliot: Got you.
Eliot: We’re seeing this wrong. We’re missing something. Maybe we need to take a step back, start thinking outside the box.
Margo: What do you suggest?
Eliot: Remember Professor Soto?
Margo: The one with the pants.
Eliot: Yeah, he had that ridiculous test everyone thought was impossible.
Margo: That we solved because we rule.
Eliot: Solved how?
Margo: You want me to remember a solution I came up with at rager doing upside-down shots in a fur bikini?
Eliot: You say rager, I say problem-solving session. That’s how we do. We put our minds on something different. We catch the solution out of the corner of our eye.
Margo: Is this actually a plan or do you want to blow off steam?
Eliot: Two birds Bambi. Besides, we’re stuck in a game that keeps hitting reset. Infinite time, zero consequences, just you and me saving the world through unbridled hedonism.
Alice: So whales really are powerful magicians. I knew they did weird stuff on the ocean floor; I just didn’t realize …
Eliot: What, yes, Alice, tell me what else you know about whales.
Alice: Um, their closest cousin is the hippo. Mating season is in the fall.
Charlton: That is so sad for them. What if they never get to make love again? Though I am one to talk; it’s been over a thousand years.
Fen: You want me to what?
Eliot: Just find out who in the castle hates fairies, OK, and what they’re doing to them, and why fairies in the first place. And maybe talk to some fairies; get their side of things.
Fen: OK.
Eliot: And while you’re at it, anything else that seems important.
Fen: OK, that seems like a lot of open-ended questions. I got this maid job to be close to you guys, and now you’re deserting me? I want to stop an apocalypse too.
Eliot: Every apocalypse stopping mission needs a maid on the outside. It’s a key staple in earth movies.
Fen: Do you mean ‘Inside Man,’ because that’s more of a heist movie thing.
Eliot: No, that’s different. Everybody knows the secret sexy maid on the outside trope.
Fen: Yeah?
Eliot: Josh has a film club. You should check it out.
Overlord Terrence: How do you do? I’m Visigoth Overload Terrance. Apologizes for the mess, but recall I did announce our incursion and asked you most politely to drop all your defenses and surrender, having given my word that you would be absolutely safe.
Alice: The word of a barbarian?
Zelda: Actually, Visigoths are famous for always keeping their word.
Alice: That’s weird.
Overlord Terrence: My dear, if you would be so kind.
Alice: Look, I’m sorry, I’m just a little confused here, but you seem …
Overlord Terrance: Educated? Polite to a fault? We seek to acquire only the deepest knowledge, highest art, and most illuminating philosophy. Is it any wonder a little might rub off?
