Bart: Dad, can I talk to you about something?
Homer: Sure, boy. What's on your mind?
(Homer puts Bart on his lap.)
Bart: Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So, like, sometimes you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: (Sternly) Are you?
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp.
(Bart's climbs down from Homer's lap.)
Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday school today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah. Among other things, apes can't get into Heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."

Clancy Wiggum

Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge: It's a statue of the trailblazing founder of our town.
Lisa: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it.
Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
Barney: How long will this story take?
Bart: Uh, about twenty-three minutes and five seconds.

Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not!
Bart: Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!

Homer: Ooh! Look at this one! "The Hammer of Thor: It will sends your pins to...Val-halla." Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
Homer: Oh, that's some ball!

But, uh, how can you afford something like this, Ned? I get your mail once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.


Bart: Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower, like the Flanders have?
Homer: Just be happy with what what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flander-es-es.

Bart: Turkey farm?
Lisa: No.
Bart: Skunks?
Lisa: No.
Bart: Slaughterhouse?
Lisa: No.
Marge: What are you doing back there?
Lisa: We're playing, "What's that odor?"
Bart: Dad's feet?
Homer: Bart!
Lisa: You win, Bart.
Homer: Lisa!
Bart: Are we there yet, Dad?
Homer: I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game.

Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.
Bart: Whoa, man!
Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford--
Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob: It has four of them--one for each part of the chicken.

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (Chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says.

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes

Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody...err...medley of holiday flavorites.

Principal Skinner

Principal Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: How many grades does this school have!?