Mr. Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean literally, buddy. This is for you, you know? It's this or a wagon.


Homer: Through here, boy. Back to civilization.
Bart: How do you know?
Homer: When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural, like a third sense.

Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man!
Lisa: But, mom! Can't I just stay a little longer?
Marge: Come on. Come on. We're worried about you. (to Bleeding Gums Murphy) Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

Marge [to Bart, Homer and Lisa]: I'm sorry, everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.
Bart: Well, mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep--
Homer: Bart!

Gym Teacher: Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of it's path.
Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.

You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.


Homer: So, why are you still awake?
Marge: Well, I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

Moe: Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jacques there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jacques. Last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. (Calling out) Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap!
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: What? Aw, wait a minute, Jacques Strap? It's you isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.

Bart: In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson! (Whistles and cheers) And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats--Oh, correction. Humiliating defeats. All of them by knock out--
Homer: Must you do this every time?
Bart: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleedin' Gums.
Lisa: Eww. How'd you get a name like that?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Lisa: Yeah.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! (Lifts Maggie and looks underneath)
Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
(Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart.)
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast.

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes

Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody...err...medley of holiday flavorites.

Principal Skinner

Principal Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: How many grades does this school have!?