The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 18 Quotes
(sadly) Oh Captain Janeway! Your mission ended too soon!
Homer
First Amendment rules, privacy drools!
Homer
(Marge reads The Inquisitor at the Quik-E-Mart)
Marge: Sideshow Mel is in a custody battle? And it's getting bitter?
Apu: Read one more thing, and it's a purchase!
Marge: "Experts disagree on location of Heaven"?
Apu: Purchase!
Now Maggie, I had to use your car seat to hold the new TV Guide, so I'm gonna hang you from the mirror.
Homer
What's with technology today? I-Pod, I-Tunes, I give up!
Krusty Doll
(to Paris Texan) Hey Paris! I saw an ugly part of your body on the internet, your face!
Bart
(with finger in her dog's mouth) Come on, baby! Barf for mama!
Paris Texan
Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?
(he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.
Editor: This is good, real good, like Lindsay Lohan looking drunk, high and bony, click, career over, see ya in the gutter, Freckles! Homer, I'll pay ya 200 bucks. Bring me more snaps like this, and I'll make you a moderately wealthy man.
Homer: Moderately wealthy? (gasps)
(Homer pictures himself rolling about in a small amount of money)
Dream Homer: Whee! I'm sort of rich! I can rent anything I want!
Homer: (to editor) That's quite an offer. Can I discuss it with my wife?
Editor: Sure, why not?
Homer: Then I'll do it!
(After the family puts their special items in the safe, smoke begins coming out.)
Bart: What's that comin' out of the safe?
Homer: I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.
Lisa: Dad, that's ridiculous!
(The safe blows apart from the explosion.)
Krusty Doll: What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--(As it burns from the flames and begins melting)--I'd...have...to...(Melts into a plastic puddle)
Marge: (Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes) Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.
Lisa: I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
Marge: (Becoming delighted upon the idea) Restage the photos!
Bart: Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!
(Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.)
Bart: Nooooooo!
Lenny: Homer, don't be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing.
Carl: Yeah, it's the American tradition to cut people down to size because they're brought so much joy into our lives.
Lenny: You know who I can't stand? That Robin Williams. You know one time I saw him eating dinner with his children. He wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.
Carl: And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even cosign her mortgage.
Homer: You guys are right! I should get back into the game. (Moaning) Oh, but I threw away my camera!
Moe: Oh, here. (Hands Homer his camera) Use this one. I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' toilet, but no dames ever come in this joint.
Homer: Thanks, Moe. (Leaves the bar)
Moe: Sure.
(Two pretty women enter)
Woman #1: Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room?
Woman #2: We need to trade bras and panties.
Moe: Oh! You gotta be kidding me! (Breaks a beer bottle horizontally with his hands.)
Marge: This disaster-ette was a real wake-up call. We need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
Firefighter: You could buy a fireproof safe.
Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames!
Firefighter: Sir, we've been here six times this month.
Homer: Yeah, but, um, one of those, I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth. No, I'm lying again, it feels bad.
