The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Quotes
(With Homer in his car, Mr. Burns suddenly decides to run for governor.)
Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world!
Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
(A stranger happens upon Bart and Lisa as they fish in a pond.)
Dave Shutton: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Dave Shutton: Uh-huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Dave Shutton: I see. And, uh, what's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Dave Shutton: (Chuckles) I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.
Bart: Well, this is my day and we do, sir.
(In a publicity stunt, Mr. Burns is a dinner guest at the Simpson home.)
Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
(Everyone gasps.)
Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
(Everyone sighs.)
(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns the election, he and Smithers head home.)
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
(In Mr. Burns' office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Burns his report.)
Government Inspector: Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Mr. Burns: Oh look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers exit for a moment and then return to the office.)
Mr. Burns: Doh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.
(Grampa Simpson and Jasper watch TV.)
TV Announcer: Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon. Please stay tuned for paid political announcement brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns.
Grampa: Burns? Change the channel.
Jasper: You change it!
Grampa: No, you change it.
Jasper: I changed it last week!
Grampa: Fine. Be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.
Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we're on our way!
(Marge reads a newspaper headline about Mary Bailey calling for an investigation at the nuclear power plant.)
Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
Homer: (Scoffs) Mary Bailey. Well, If I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time.
Marge: Like what?
Homer: Like getting Washington's birthday and Lincoln's birthday back to separate paid holidays. President's Day. (Blows raspberry.) What a rip-off. I bust my butt day in and day out--
Marge: You're late for work, Homer.
Homer: So? Somebody'll punch in for me.
(A government inspection team arrives and inspects the nuclear power plant.)
Government Inspector: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.
(The inspection team turns on their Geiger counters, and they immediately start buzzing.)
Inspection Team: (In unison) Huh?
Mr. Burns: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation, the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility or, for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
(The Government Inspector makes a checkmark on his clipboard.)
Government Inspector: Sorry.
(Cut to the cooling towers.)
Government Inspector: (Whistles in amazement.) Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
Mr. Burns: Do'h. I'm as shocked as you are.
(Cut to an office inside the power plant.)
Government Inspector: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
Mr. Burns: Doh, now, that shouldn't be.
(Cut to a work area inside the power plant, where a drop of nuclear waste falls from a leaking pipe and eats through an inspector's clipboard.)
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns starts smashing things in the Simpson home)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, tip over this table for me!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
(Smithers grunts as he turns over the table.)
Marge: Homer. Homer. Make them stop.
Homer: (Clears throat) Uh, Mr. Burns. Um, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Shut up and wreck something!
(Homer picks up a flower vase and drops it.)
Lisa: Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.
(In bed, Homer worries about what Mr. Burns said about making sure his dreams will go unfulfilled.)
Homer: Oh, my dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better, please. Can't you make it better, huh?
Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping till noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them.
Homer: Hey, you did it!
(Homer comments on the newspaper headline about Mr. Burns running for Governor.)
Homer: Well, he's got my vote.
Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm for Monty Burns!
Lisa: Ooh, a political discussion at our table! I feel like a Kennedy.
