Weeds Quotes
I don't mean to be judgey, but where did she meet that guy? Home depot?
Jill [about Sucio]
A Mexican gynco? Nanc, if you're putting together a mariachi band, yes, go Mexican. Down there, you want a Jew.
Andy
Nancy [about Sucio]: Is it too much to ask him to shower?
Cesar: He's comfortable with his man smell, live with it
Nancy: If something happens to me, you'll take care of this for Silas and Shane
Dean: If something happens? Where you going, skydiving?
Nancy: None of your business. Just make sure it all gets taken care of. I'm counting on you
Dean: Out of curiousity and of coruse self image, why me?
Nancy: Cause I trust you. Cause you're a parent. Cause you're the only person i could find on such short notice
Nancy: You're religious?
Cesar: Selectively
Nancy: Right, the whole thou shalt not kill thing probably isn't work out that well for you, huh?
Cesar: and I support gay marriage
Isabelle: Who was on the phone?
Dean: Someone's kidnapped your mother.
Isabelle: Seriously?
Dean: Who knows? Another game?
Isabelle: Sure.
Mr. Sandusky: Hello Shane. Doing your reading?
Shane: Mister Sandusky, er, did you actually read the Kiterunner before you assigned it?
Mr. Sandusky: I did, I thought you guys can handle it. Can you handle it, Shane? 'Cause it seems like you can handle a lot. You're such a multi-tasker.
Shane: I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr. Sandusky: Sure you do.
Shane: No, I don't.
Mr. Sandusky: Shane, I have 23 papers to grade tonight, they're all on Anne Frank. Do you know how depressing that is?
Celia: That was humiliating.
Rudolfo: I know. I'm sorry, I could not untie you.
Celia: You're supposed to wipe front to back
You're a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut.
Andy [to Nancy]
Getting laid was easy in the seventies. I drove a Camaro.
Doug
Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.
Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.
